It seems second nature for me to worry all the time.Maybe first nature actually. Apprehension and anxiety. Thinking way too much and not saying or doing enough. It is such bullshit. I am so tired of trying to deal with it that I have run out of ways of tryng to explain it.
It makes me morose and unhappy. More so than I have any right to be. I mean, everybody has some level of unhappiness in their life. Everyone is screwed up in some way. To err is to be human. Right? We all have our own issues. Everybody has something to conplain about.
I need to remind myself (more) that I have plenty to be happy about. I have myself, first and foremost, and my (believed) sanity. I have a family that loves me no matter what. I have a small handfull of friends that (I believe) except and appreciate me. I have a roommate who is quite possibly one of the most awesome people I’ve ever met. I have my freedom and my desires and wishes and goals. I have a life free of life threatening hardships. As far as I know I have my health. I have many many good things in my life to be thankful for and happy about.
No, I don’t have everything. No, I have not accomplished much of what I wanted to by my age. No, life isn’t perfect. No, everything does not go according to plan. No, I can’t and should not and will not except that falling is a means to judge myself. I ought to know better by now. I have certainly fallen enough, and continue to.
I’m alive. I can do. I can still try. And strive. I can do better. I have opportunity. There is hope. And possibility. Not all is lost.
Uncontrollable variables aside, it is so refreshing to have one’s life move along at a comfortably unexpected pace. And by unexpected I mean being able to trust that no matter what may happen it will all be progressive and good. My self confidence is rising. My faith is renewing. I can see the future again. Nice, when all I could see for so long was the past.
I am uber excited to be moving within the next month. So excited! Yay! And to be able to be a roommate to a guy that I think is just a wonderfully cool person is the icing on the cake. I’ve made him agree to be my wingman. I’ve always wanted a wingman! Haha, he’s Val Kilmer to my Tom Cruise. Or maybe it’s actually the other way around. Either way, yeehaw!
I have not written anything for weeks. Months if I consider my physical journal. I have been given and coming upon and achieving soo much, in comparison to how uneventfully and meagerly I’ve existed over the previous 2 years, that I suppose I am just not sure how to describe it all. It is as unfamiliar as it is not. Does that makes sense?
I am on a comprehensible, visible even, path now. I see the effort and I am seeing the pay-offs. It may sound silly, but I am convincing myself all over again that life does indeed work. I persuaded and led myself to believe otherwise. I had become so consumed by and comfortable with the everythingness of nothingness. Surprise to rediscover that achievement and reward are possible.
Thinking about it all I just can’t believe what a stupid ass I can be.
I am Christian Andrew Jennings! The 1 and the only! (per DNA of course)
I love people. If you can see past my quiet (e.g. shyness, insecurities, self-proclaimed short comings, overall social awkwardness) then I love you. Truly.
I am very intelligent. No boasting or bragging here. I am definitely not one to do that. I just know. I read a lot from everywhere; books, newspaper, mags, online, TV. I like being informed.
Thusly, I’m current. I’m mod. I’m a tortured artist. No, I’m an unproven artist. Even that? I’m an unfound artist. And not an artist of the “strictly an “artist” kind”. I’m an artist in the vein of a Renaissance Man; and I know that once I get into it I’m going to be fucking amazing at it.
I’m an environmentalist, a Greeny, a die-hard free speech advocate, an extreme liberal, an almost socialist and almost communist should we figure out how to fairly and indiscriminately employ such ideas into the American dream since this democracy stuff doesn’t seem all it was cracked up to be, a sci-fi space loving pro-Mars-exploring enthusiast, but most importantly I am one who deep down believes that it is vitally imporatnt to the world as a community that we always live the truth no matter how detrimental it may be to our own selves.
There’s more. For later.
Adendum: If you don’t know, look it up. Communism is NOT evil or bad or anything of the sort. It is the perception of it which has been tainted and slandered by corrupt dictators and, subsequently, democratic idealists such as The United States. Fundementally there is nothing evil or dastardly about communism. Communism is an idea, not a person. It can not be hated or feared. It is just as revisable and ammendable as our government. In no way am I stating that I am a communist or a socialist.
I know, it may seem I’m hopelessly lost. I am not. I am only Christian Andrew Jennings, with a dash of “more inexperienced than most”. I am a product of genetics and, consequentially, blind ambition. Can you blame me, 10 years post high school and having yet to achieve anything I intended, for waxing on a bit about “have nots” and “why nots”? I hope not.
I am getting much better. My friends, you soon will see. For, time is a bitch and life waits for no one (especially other people’s lives). Sometimes the passed time feels so aggravatingly wrong, and other times I can’t help but wonder if it were meant to be. I guess one can never really know.
I’m a hypocratic mess. By virtue I’m an honest person. By need for unconditional love I’m no good at confession. I’m no good at this stuff. Sometimes is never quite enough. I’ve got to measure up. When most of my wondering focusses on “How long before you screw it up?” I’m an oath to the human condition. Which I find disgusting.
Honestly, I know the words the thoughts the ideas the paths the dogma the faith the attention the easy and the hard. Yet I’m a fool for being so easily mistaken and rejecting myself on this despair. Honestly. Desperation is so unattractive. And no one likes to hear “I told you so.”
I’m leaving today. I’m living it. I’m leaving it. To change. Life is my muse. Begging, pleading, I’ll allow it. I see it. I deserve it.
Every thought of hopelessness I dispel. Every sense of insurmountable odds I tear down. Every feeling of fear I choose love. Every time I exhibit conditioning I exude choice. My world, which had been very monochrome, is enlivening with the myriad hues of possibility. I refuse to continue allowing an unseen maleficent force control my life. It is ridiculous. I am more than fear could ever promise me. I am the universe, I am God. One in the same.
Sure, unarguably, things are extremely tough right now. As soon as I relinquish control of my possibilities though, I may as well admit utter and total defeat. I refuse. I won’t I won’t I just won’t!
Others may have had yesterday, I have today, and I can always believe in tomorrow.
I’ve been reading a lot over the past 6 months or so. I believe, in total, I have read 6 novels. Wow, a novel a month, that’s awesome! At least I think so. I’ve always wanted to be one of those people who are “readers”. Reading, no matter what, does make you smarter. Reading provides (especially introverts like myself) opportunities to experience new places and various thoughts of mind that might otherwise remain as unknown opportunities of expanding ones understanding of the world. For me personally reading is a way to surreptitiously have new adventures. Actually, I suppose that’s why anyone reads; for the adventure. Anyhow.
My favorite author, by far, is Kim Stanley Robinson. I first fell in love with his stories via his Mars trilogy: Red Mars, Green Mars, and Blue Mars. His talent for making his story’s characters immensely human, relatable, and real is in my opinion far beyond any other author I’ve yet read. Combined with his obvious love of any natural world, he manages to provide readers with the perfect palette for our mind’s eye to create vivid extremely detailed vistas. His stories always have current undertones and topics, especially his latest trilogy “Science in the Capital”.
A main source of inspiration for the characters in his latest trilogy is a website called emersonfortheday. It provides daily excerpts from Emerson’s journals. Although the site didn’t actually exist previous to Robinson’s trilogy, a thoughtful individual has made the site a reality. I am finding so much inspiration and wisdom from Emerson’s writings. If he has a contemporary I’d like to know. His love of nature and all that is our daily Earthly existence interacting (or avoiding, or destroying) with nature is truly thought provoking. It certainly makes me want to experience nature more. If only there wasn’t this damn human notion of “the world”.
I have to admit that I thought I had no idea what I was doing. Sections of this path I’ve been on before, whereas other tracts are expectedly untread. The most recent leg of my journey is segmented in and of itself by the comfortably familiar and the uneasy darkness of unfamiliarity. It has seized my mind. It permeates nearly every thought I have. Sometimes I find myself in a stupor, trying to figure out exactly what to do about the everlasting demands of this new presence. I can’t not think about it, yet at the same time I know that I can’t think about it as much as I do. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I felt such pressure and desire to be constantly present and in the now. The desire has provided me with a vehicle to better travel this new leg of my journey. I am more aware of myself. I am more aware of who I want to be, who I ought to be, and most importantly who I need to be.
The catalyst of this new leg of the journey is a person. A person I’d been hoping to meet the likes of for a long time. At first this person was a pleasing “idea” that I was infatuated with. I was so excited by this new acquaintance that I threw all caution out the window. I suppose I thought that I was being handed something. Like everything in life though, it is hard won and not without struggle and effort. It is not the “idea” of this person that I like. It is the person I like, in all their glory. Where I had expectations I can now see how unfair that is to the other person. All I can do is be me and the very best me at that. And all I hope for is the chance to get to know this person much better, because so far I really like what I’ve seen. Let come what may. At least I feel this has helped me to realize that I do know what I’m doing and what needs to be done. I’ve found that sometimes I just need a little jolt to remind me who I am.
I feel like I’m a last resort. Or maybe a better description of how I feel would be that I’m collateral damage in his search for new friends. You know, I’ll give him the benefit of doubt and wonder if perhaps it was simply the way he stated his thoughts. Furthermore, I’ll even give some credit to my thoughts of how the whole predicament (Is it really a predicament?) could be my fault for defining my situation and availability much too strictly. I think given all this musing it would be pretty fair to split the responsibility equally down the middle. Though it could even run deeper than he’s letting on. There could be things he’s not saying to me. Maybe he’s afraid of getting too close. Who knows? I don’t. Why? Because we don’t converse. He won’t talk to me. Is it just me? Will he be the same way with these new future friends he hopes to make? How will he maintain those friendships? If he can maintain new friends besides me, then I think it’s very understandable that I feel slighted, or ignored. Left in the background for a more conveniant time. Am I being dramatic? I don’t think so. Am I thinking about it way too much? Honestly, I may be. But, maybe I want something with him. Or maybe I want to at least pursue something with him. A chance.
I’ve already decided what stance I’m going to take, and I’ve let him know as much via email. I’m not giving up or in or anything. I’m taking control of the situation. Because I’ll be damned if I have to find out some time down the road that I really am one of the last on the list and for such a frivolous reason.
I love when I get to be in situations that are so very much outside my normal realm of existance. I don’t like that sometimes I still suck, beyond belief, at the fundamental pleasantries of social interaction. Friday I was on cue, parlaying questions into conversations, even if simple. Today I was off my mark and may as well have been a shadow. This idea that I don’t need to care about interacting with someone new because I think that they will have no real connection to my existance is a seriously unfortuante personality flaw. I’ll never find out how this person could connect with me somehow if I don’t even have the common social sence to share myself with them. I have no network, and I can see how dangerous that could be.
Then there is my relentless nemesis Fear. My life is split between embracing change and the unknown, and cowarding ridiculously away from it. Basically I am afraid of failure, big time. I would need a shrink to help me figure out the exact reasons why, because I have only a web of hypothesis. Right now that doesn’t matter though. What matters is that I need to change and I know that I’m in a relatively good place to do that.
So, my plan. First, furthering my education. I need a passion again. I need to be the scholar. I need to level up. I want interesting, engaging, inspiring, respected. And me; I need me back. Steps 2, 3, 4 … I need to think about more. I have ideas, I always have ideas. But they are a jumbled plethora and I need to sort through them again, as I once did during more inspired times.
I’m starting over. I’d say this will be Christian 2.3
Tonight’s opening SNL sketch with Tina Fey as Sarah Palin and Sarah Palin herself just made my fucking week! And I can’t forget the incomperable Alec Baldwin, a pleasure as always sir.
Today was my first day at BAB. The store doesn’t open until the 30th. Today was “truck day”. 9 hours unloading and setting up. The time flew by. Met most of my co-workers. A few stood out as cool. Speaking of standing out and being cool … At the end of it all my boss took me aside and told me she was going to have 3 people whom she thought were the best workers come in 3 hours early tomorrow. Yup, I was one of the 3. Woohoo, extra hours ($$$) for me! That made me feel good. If a bit taken aback. I’ll admit there were a few times when, amidst the near-disorder confusion and mess, I had no idea what to do or how to help even despite asking. Basically, there were a few times when I felt I could’ve been doing more. Not that I lolligagged, not much anyhow. I’m undoubtedly more critical on myself then the situation realistically warranted. I mean, I can always find something productive to do. Even if I’m the only one doing it, and even if it is outside direction given. Anyhow. My boss told me to feel special for being picked, and I do. I rock.
I’m discovering that whiskey isn’t always my friend.
I may have been looking for a feeling of belonging and connectedness in the wrong places. The jury is still out on that.
Refined sugar is so so so very bad for the body. Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been subjected to tortuously aganizing quantities of cakes, doughnuts, sweet goodies, and bags … platters … cornucopias(!) of snacks laden with processed hydrogenated oils. My waist line expanded, my body and mind ached, and worst of all I got oily acne-plagued fat face! Ugh. So not cool.
Made it through the BAB week of training, unscathed. Only issue I have so far is that I’m going to have to be ON (excited, peppy, enthusiastic) all the time. Sometimes that’s hard for me. It may be an issue or it may not. Only time will tell. Most of my coworkers seem pretty cool. Management is very cool.
Had a talk with my Mom today about my financial future. Basically I’m not expected to pay rent. I’m only expected to save as much as (humanly) possible. That made my day. Because I’ve got quite the hole to dig myself out of.
I need to get a car, get an apartment (eventually), get a real bed, get a computer, get a TV, replace my 5 year old wardrobe, get glasses, have some desparately needed dental work done, see a doctor about a few very personal things concerning me, get car insurance, figure out my credit card debt situation, and last but not least obtain a Wii.
I also need to quit smoking, get a hold of my drinking, exercise, lose some weight, eat better, go back to school, seriously work on my social skills, and find my bliss. Oh yeah, and find an amazing boyfriend!
I had deja vu at work yesterday. Once upon a time, I suppose when I was more on track, I experienced deja vu with what some might consider an enviable consistency. The experience yesterday was the first time in quite a long while. In trying to explain to myself what deja vu was like I came up with this analogy, which I think describes it perfectly: Deja Vu feels much like pressing the “Live” button for your DVR. Imagine you’re watching an episode of a TV show you’ve already seen and you’ve paused it several times throughout because certain scenes you don’t remember and they confused you, then you press the “Live” button on the remote and the scene that plays is instantly recognizable and you know exactly what’s happening. Deja Vu feels like that brief second of catching up and knowing where you are and that’s where you’re supposed to be.
Aside from that, last night my dreams were all about taking control of different aspects of my personality and my life that have proved difficult for me. Very inspiring. And then, when I awoke this morning I had Alanis Morissette’s beautiful song “Limbo No More” stuck in my head:
My house, my role
My friends, my man
My devotion to God
All amorphous, indefinite
Nothing’s been clear
Nothing’s been in
Nothing’s felt true
And I’ve never had both feet in
Nothing’s belonged
Nothing’s been ‘yes’
Nowhere’s been home
And I’m ready to be Limbo No More
My taste, my peers
My identity
My affiliation
All amorphous, indefinite
Nothing’s been clear
Nothing’s been in
Nothing’s felt true
And I’ve never had both feet in
Nothing’s belonged
Nothing’s been ‘yes’
Nowhere’s been home
And I’m ready to be limbo no more
I sit with filled frames
And my books and my dogs at my feet
My friends by my side
My past in a heap
Thrown out most of my things
Only kept what I need to carve
Something consistent
And notably me
Tattoo on my skin
My teacher’s in heart
My house is a home
Something at last I can feel a part of
A sense of myself
My purpose is clear
My roots in the ground
Something at last I can feel a part of
Something aligned
To finally commit
Somewhere I belong
‘Cause I’m ready to be limbo no more
My wisdom applied
A firm foundation
A vow to myself
‘Cause I’m ready to be limbo no more
First, and most imporatntly, what a tremendous time of celebration and honor and pride this is for our beloved country. God bless the United States of America.
Second, how thankful I am to now feel comfortable acknowledging that I have a friend in Justyn.
I’m back. I wish I could say that the long absence was an intended break. Truth is, the computer I was previously using became infected with a nasty virus which was very unforgiving and wiped the computer clean. Fortunately, I acquired another PC to be all my own which I rebuilt andrefurbished and the such. So here I am. Back from what I can now say was a much needed sabbatical. Although it was unknown and unexpected, I needed time away from the interent which had become an all too delicious and insanely addictive time-waster.
My holidays were…how do I say it without sounding ungrateful? They were just enough and nothing more. We (my family and I) had planned on going to the Magic Kingdom at Disney World for Christmas Day, but the park was full to capacity and so we couldn’t get in. Instead we went to Downtown Disney. It was entertaining in the way an uber-themed shopping center at Disney World ought to be, but it wasn’t what I was expecting to be doing. I found enjoyment in experiencing it through the eyes of my nephew, since I’ve already been there several times and pretty much knew what to expect. New Year’s was uneventful, as I anticipated, so I have no complaints there.
There’s a possibility that I’ll be moving to Houston in the next couple of months. I’m trying to figure out exactly what all of my options are before I make a decission. I want out of here and away from here so bad that a large part of me just wants to up and leave, but I don’t want to be hasty and ill-prepared only to have my situation end up worse out there. Idunno. The vibe in this house has become too tense and there are too many repressed emotionally-charged opinions and personalities. It’s quickly becoming more than I can handle.
Shoulders raise, slump, and unslump. Mini sigh. Lightly inebriated. Hey, it’s well past noon. Just reluctantly bacame a member of facebook; put a surprising amount of effort into my profile, uploading a webcam pic now. Got my tunes playing, Erykah Badu right now. The day is moist, overcast, windy, quieter than usual. I suppose sound doesn’t travel as far or as easily in a heavy atmosphere. Come to think of it, the atmosphere surrounding me always seems to be heavy. Soaked with pretenses, charged but silent emotions, what now’s and avoidances, the obvious yet uncomfortably discreet, and sometimes the potential of the day replaying over and over like a scratched record ignored. What now What now What now?
Out of the corner of my eye, with every slight twitch of my head, dozens of crystals sparkle caught in the screen of my window. Raindrops trapped for a moment, until time passes and there, they’re gone. Now all I see is a concave plot of suburbian grass separating this house from the next. Green with life, yellow with weeds. Jiggling in the breeze. Mow lines, lines of muddy mucky Florida erosion. Under the grey sky in a blustery, gloomy, wet breeze.
