Leaving Pseudopia

10 years

mettlemod — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 22:43:59 +0000

It seems second nature for me to worry all the time.Maybe first nature actually. Apprehension and anxiety. Thinking way too much and not saying or doing enough. It is such bullshit. I am so tired of trying to deal with it that I have run out of ways of tryng to explain it.

It makes me morose and unhappy. More so than I have any right to be. I mean, everybody has some level of unhappiness in their life. Everyone is screwed up in some way. To err is to be human. Right? We all have our own issues. Everybody has something to conplain about.

I need to remind myself (more) that I have plenty to be happy about. I have myself, first and foremost, and my (believed) sanity. I have a family that loves me no matter what. I have a small handfull of friends that (I believe) except and appreciate me. I have a roommate who is quite possibly one of the most awesome people I’ve ever met. I have my freedom and my desires and wishes and goals. I have a life free of life threatening hardships. As far as I know I have my health. I have many many good things in my life to be thankful for and happy about.

No, I don’t have everything. No, I have not accomplished much of what I wanted to by my age. No, life isn’t perfect. No, everything does not go according to plan. No, I can’t and should not and will not except that falling is a means to judge myself. I ought to know better by now. I have certainly fallen enough, and continue to.

I’m alive. I can do. I can still try. And strive. I can do better. I have opportunity. There is hope. And possibility. Not all is lost.

Who me?

mettlemod — Thu, 07 May 2009 17:18:23 +0000

This selective amnesia

Only remembering what I forgot

All the good things

Everything I liked a lot

Pieces of the person I used to be

Scattered in the winds

of my insecurities

My own fractured tales

The boy in the future

The boy in the bubble

The boy who was so sure

The boy who would go on

and on and on, on and on and on

Those rose colored glasses

Showing me the black and white

of all the masses

of everthing that mattered

Things to live for undieingly

Through thick or thin

The faith that tried me

The God that I asked about

Oh, He’s always been there

Waiting for me to believe

In myself

In something other than the past

The boy in the future

The boy in the bubble

The boy who was so sure

The boy who would go on

and on and on, to be

The man with the broken heart

The man who failed

The man with a new start

The man who knows he can go

on and on and on

on and on and on and on

Watch me Top Gun it

mettlemod — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 19:47:30 +0000

Uncontrollable variables aside, it is so refreshing to have one’s life move along at a comfortably unexpected pace. And by unexpected I mean being able to trust that no matter what may happen it will all be progressive and good. My self confidence is rising. My faith is renewing. I can see the future again. Nice, when all I could see for so long was the past.

I am uber excited to be moving within the next month. So excited! Yay! And to be able to be a roommate to a guy that I think is just a wonderfully cool person is the icing on the cake. I’ve made him agree to be my wingman. I’ve always wanted a wingman! Haha, he’s Val Kilmer to my Tom Cruise. Or maybe it’s actually the other way around. Either way, yeehaw!

Same table, different seat

mettlemod — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 22:19:30 +0000

I have not written anything for weeks. Months if I consider my physical journal. I have been given and coming upon and achieving soo much, in comparison to how uneventfully and meagerly I’ve existed over the previous 2 years, that I suppose I am just not sure how to describe it all. It is as unfamiliar as it is not. Does that makes sense?

I am on a comprehensible, visible even, path now. I see the effort and I am seeing the pay-offs. It may sound silly, but I am convincing myself all over again that life does indeed work. I persuaded and led myself to believe otherwise. I had become so consumed by and comfortable with the everythingness of nothingness. Surprise to rediscover that achievement and reward are possible.

Thinking about it all I just can’t believe what a stupid ass I can be.

mettlemod — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 06:29:08 +0000

UPDATE:

I am Christian Andrew Jennings! The 1 and the only! (per DNA of course)
I love people. If you can see past my quiet (e.g. shyness, insecurities, self-proclaimed short comings, overall social awkwardness) then I love you. Truly.
I am very intelligent. No boasting or bragging here. I am definitely not one to do that. I just know. I read a lot from everywhere; books, newspaper, mags, online, TV. I like being informed.
Thusly, I’m current. I’m mod. I’m a tortured artist. No, I’m an unproven artist. Even that? I’m an unfound artist. And not an artist of the “strictly an “artist” kind”. I’m an artist in the vein of a Renaissance Man; and I know that once I get into it I’m going to be fucking amazing at it.
I’m an environmentalist, a Greeny, a die-hard free speech advocate, an extreme liberal, an almost socialist and almost communist should we figure out how to fairly and indiscriminately employ such ideas into the American dream since this democracy stuff doesn’t seem all it was cracked up to be, a sci-fi space loving pro-Mars-exploring enthusiast, but most importantly I am one who deep down believes that it is vitally imporatnt to the world as a community that we always live the truth no matter how detrimental it may be to our own selves.
There’s more. For later.

Adendum: If you don’t know, look it up. Communism is NOT evil or bad or anything of the sort. It is the perception of it which has been tainted and slandered by corrupt dictators and, subsequently, democratic idealists such as The United States. Fundementally there is nothing evil or dastardly about communism. Communism is an idea, not a person. It can not be hated or feared. It is just as revisable and ammendable as our government. In no way am I stating that I am a communist or a socialist.

Time keeps on ticking

mettlemod — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 17:48:38 +0000

I know, it may seem I’m hopelessly lost. I am not. I am only Christian Andrew Jennings, with a dash of “more inexperienced than most”. I am a product of genetics and, consequentially, blind ambition. Can you blame me, 10 years post high school and having yet to achieve anything I intended, for waxing on a bit about “have nots” and “why nots”? I hope not.

I am getting much better. My friends, you soon will see. For, time is a bitch and life waits for no one (especially other people’s lives). Sometimes the passed time feels so aggravatingly wrong, and other times I can’t help but wonder if it were meant to be. I guess one can never really know.

In the Air

mettlemod — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 17:50:41 +0000

This ride has been, often, without me

accepting that I’m behind the wheel

in a race with too many rats

fears and frets I couldn’t always see

When I’m afraid it’s all to easy

to assume the auto-pilot is on

leading and guiding

to where I ought to be

After so many laps around the track

the day ages and the fog lifts

it becomes easier to look ahead

this drag is good, don’t look back

At any point there is a way out

doors and windows are cracked

the universe is in the breeze

I choose love, not doubt

See me?

mettlemod — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 21:27:19 +0000

I’m a hypocratic mess. By virtue I’m an honest person. By need for unconditional love I’m no good at confession. I’m no good at this stuff. Sometimes is never quite enough. I’ve got to measure up. When most of my wondering focusses on “How long before you screw it up?” I’m an oath to the human condition. Which I find disgusting.

Honestly, I know the words the thoughts the ideas the paths the dogma the faith the attention the easy and the hard. Yet I’m a fool for being so easily mistaken and rejecting myself on this despair. Honestly. Desperation is so unattractive. And no one likes to hear “I told you so.”

I’m leaving today. I’m living it. I’m leaving it. To change. Life is my muse. Begging, pleading, I’ll allow it. I see it. I deserve it.

It’s Okay, you can go now…

mettlemod — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 20:04:14 +0000

Every thought of hopelessness I dispel. Every sense of insurmountable odds I tear down. Every feeling of fear I choose love. Every time I exhibit conditioning I exude choice. My world, which had been very monochrome, is enlivening with the myriad hues of possibility. I refuse to continue allowing an unseen maleficent force control my life. It is ridiculous. I am more than fear could ever promise me. I am the universe, I am God. One in the same.

Sure, unarguably, things are extremely tough right now. As soon as I relinquish control of my possibilities though, I may as well admit utter and total defeat. I refuse. I won’t I won’t I just won’t!

Others may have had yesterday, I have today, and I can always believe in tomorrow.

mettlemod — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 20:49:22 +0000

I’ve been reading a lot over the past 6 months or so. I believe, in total, I have read 6 novels. Wow, a novel a month, that’s awesome! At least I think so. I’ve always wanted to be one of those people who are “readers”. Reading, no matter what, does make you smarter. Reading provides (especially introverts like myself) opportunities to experience new places and various thoughts of mind that might otherwise remain as unknown opportunities of expanding ones understanding of the world. For me personally reading is a way to surreptitiously have new adventures. Actually, I suppose that’s why anyone reads; for the adventure. Anyhow.

My favorite author, by far, is Kim Stanley Robinson. I first fell in love with his stories via his Mars trilogy: Red Mars, Green Mars, and Blue Mars. His talent for making his story’s characters immensely human, relatable, and real is in my opinion far beyond any other author I’ve yet read. Combined with his obvious love of any natural world, he manages to provide readers with the perfect palette for our mind’s eye to create vivid extremely detailed vistas. His stories always have current undertones and topics, especially his latest trilogy “Science in the Capital”.

A main source of inspiration for the characters in his latest trilogy is a website called emersonfortheday. It provides daily excerpts from Emerson’s journals. Although the site didn’t actually exist previous to Robinson’s trilogy, a thoughtful individual has made the site a reality. I am finding so much inspiration and wisdom from Emerson’s writings. If he has a contemporary I’d like to know. His love of nature and all that is our daily Earthly existence interacting (or avoiding, or destroying) with nature is truly thought provoking. It certainly makes me want to experience nature more. If only there wasn’t this damn human notion of “the world”.